Asian Fairy

I’m usually anxious. Wondering, looking for answers that don’t exist, looking for issues I’m not yet aware of, cause you know, maybe I missed something. And if I don’t take care of it, who will? And things might get worse. So I MUST think of every single tiny thing that might come come up as an issue later on. Better be safe than sorry, eh.

So most of the time, I’m tripping balls. Thinking this or that is being off, that something doesn’t add up. All the time.
Well, I have often been right. That may explain why I can’t stop myself just by telling me I’m hallucinating. Because chances are I am not hallucinating… “You’ve been right before, trust your guts, if something is off then it’s worth digging into”. And so begins the process of ruinning everything that’s stable at the moment.
Hours are spent arguing in my head, playing detective. Analyzing every detail, every pattern I might find.

But every once in a while I get struck by something I had actually missed and which explains it all. Like, since the beginning, if I just didn’t look for “offness” I wouldn’t have lost hours losing my sanity over nothing.
Then I feel like I’m batshit crazy.
I feel like I usually can’t see the world for what it is.
Then suddenly, for a short while, I see clearly again: I have been tripping…
This needs to stop.

I feel like a little girl. Where is the fearless me from years ago ?
It seems like I knew how to keep my anxiety at bay, long ago…

I was about to write down some thoughts but I cant, I cant risk being right about this. Like its gonna make it real, you know.

loneliness loneliness loneliness loneliness and loneliness.

It seems to me that’s it’s to fail whatever happens.
Maybe that’s just I fearing that history’d repeat itself.

And I’d like to be able to sleep at night, if that’s not too much to ask.

And it makes me want to let go.
And it makes me shed a tear. Not a single more. I wont be a cry baby again.

But still. It didnt prevent me from finishing our project in 2 evenings. We’re so proud me and the thing.

Happy birthday.
Hope you’re okay and you got someone to take care of you on this day.

And it kinds of makes me sad actualy.

It’s been a long tiem.
So much changed..
And tonight. Now that I dont have school all day until time to sleep I’m quite starting to freak out. Am I not gonna feel lonely here, all by myself?
I have nothing I know well. Excepts for Epitech. I think I’m gonna go there tomorrow. And spend the day there. Some ppl from Epitech were partying all night to celebrate the end of the swimming-pool (i kno its not a gud translashun but it maek meh laff liek dis). I didnt even go. Not after what happened last tiem. I dont trust them. Theyre starving. And the rare ppl i liek werent going anyways.
I really feel down. Really. Really. Really.
And I dont know why I feel so sad right now.. :(